Someone called me SMUG!

I will never understand people...honestly. Maybe it's an American thing. Maybe it's a woman thing.

On the Weight Watchers board that I hang out on I posted a post about hating skinny people. That seems to be something we all enjoy doing. We find someone who has something we want, and we "hate" them. Now I know, most of the time it's in jest, but really...think about it. If you're a fat chick, like me (and inside, I still feel like a fat chick) haven't you been through enough body size judgement in your life to understand that it is just so NOT cool?

Anyhow, so I got some replies, some in agreement some not...no biggie. I know that's going to happen. I put myself out there in writing because, oh I don't know why, but I do. Some people will like what I write. Other's won't. Not the end of the world.

But one post kind of stung. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't pulled out the razor blades, or gone to Mapquest to get driving directions to the nearest bridge. It just kind of stung a little. I'm thick skinned. I'll get over it. But this person wrote that I was "smug and judgemental."

Am I? I don't know. I don't think I am smug. Sure I'm judgemental. Read my blog! Haha! But I think we're ALL judgemental. (And how judgemental is it to judge someone as being smug? Huh? Huh? Answer me that!)

But what bothers me the most is not that someone called me a name (although I am going to tell God and He will get them...when I was a kid and was mad at my mom I used to tell her that I was going to tell God on her, so I figure why not resurrect the threat for such a time as this).

Anyhow...

What bothered me most is that it seems like whenever someone sets a goal, people line up along the streets, cheering them on! Wearing buttons that say "Go Tory!" But then, we hit the goal and suddenly there's a hush over the crowd.

Wait a minute now! It's great that you set a goal and all, but we never really wanted you to MAKE it! After all, that redefines who you are, and may reflect poorly on who WE are and now I have to maybe consider that you might be better than me at this and I just can't have that. No WE can't have that! You! Back to your place right this minute! We said you could MAKE a goal, but we did not give persmission to REACH a goal!

Oh, and if you reach goal, you're not allowed to be proud of it. That makes you smug and apparently judgemental.

You know what? I am proud of my success. I worked damn hard and I am going to take time and celebrate that I set a goal and reached it. I don't need those throngs of people lining the street. I only need me. And another thing, when you set a goal and reach it, you should be proud too! We all should be proud of our successes and we should allow others to be proud of their successes without judging them as being smug.

But just because I'm proud doesn't mean that I don't realize that this is all tentative. They say that inside every fat person there is a thin person just screaming to get out. Well now that I am, by society's standards, a thin-ish person I realize that inside this thin person, there is a fat person just threatening to come back. She's in there. She trash talks me all the time. She tries to lull me into a sense of complacency. She says things like "Oh you don't need to go to the gym today...you can to tomorrow." and "One candy bar isn't going to kill you! After all, you've earned it!"

The fact of the matter is, I am thrilled to be at goal. I am proud of what I've accomplished, but I am also scared as hell that I will go back. I realize that I deal with a disease called obesity. It is not unlike alcholism. The recovering alcoholic will always deal with his or her issues with drink. He may be sober 15 years, but he always knows that there is the potential to return to that sorry state of yore.

I am like that too. I know that I will always deal with the health issue of obesity. I may not be categorized as obese by the weight charts, but I will always "be" obese inside. I will always have that potential to revert to my former unhealthy, disrespectful (of myself) habits.

Every day I deal with this, and I suppose that every upcoming day I will deal with it. I still worry at weigh in that I've gained weight. I still stress over points. I still have major temptations and fight to not succumb to them. I still have days when I'd rather sit on the couch eating bon bons than get my buttocks out the door to the gym. I had hoped that when I reached goal this would all be automatic...I would just naturally live this healthy lifestyle. It is easier than it was a year ago, but the fact is it will probably never be automatic. So I will always need to journal. I will always need to earn activity points. I will always need to weigh in.

Now that does that sound like someone defined as "smug" to you? If anything, I am the anti-smug!