Negativity

Okay, I'm a little pissed off today. I went to my morning workout and one of the ladies there said, "Well some people are saying you're just going to balloon back up, but that won't happen, right?"

What the hell?

Why do people do that?

First of all, none of these women really know me that well. I've only been going there since April. They don't even know what I looked like when I started Weight Watchers. Balloon up? Excuse me? I wasn't a reed, but I sure as hell wasn't bucking for a spot in Macy's parade, either.

And what exactly in my current lifestyle is going to cause me to balloon back up? The daily exercise routine? The journaling and eating within my points? I mean just because I hit goal doesn't mean I've stopped Weight Watchers. I am still as much on program as I've always been. Oh I'm ticked.

Why do we, as women, do that to each other? It seems like sometimes we see someone starting out to make a lifestyle change...be it losing weight, quitting smoking, or changing jobs. It's like we want to see someone struggle to get somewhere...but we don't really want them to make it. If they make it then they might be better than us and we can't have that now, can we? So once someone actually sees success we have to tear them down.

What is the purpose of that? I'm not saying I've never been guilty of it. I'm sure I have. But why do we need to tear someone else down to feel good about ourselves.

Look. I am doing this for one reason.

One person.

Me.

I am not doing it to be an inspiration.

If I inspire someone, great. But that's not my goal.

I'm not doing it as an indictment of someone else's weight gain.

If my success makes you feel bad about yourself, that's something that is your problem. Don't put it on me.

I am no doing this to show off.

I was already smart, funny, and driven before I lost weight.

I am doing this for me. It is all about me. It has always been all about me.

Selfish?

Hell yes and who cares? Why can't I be selfish? Is there something inherently wrong with taking personal control of your health?

I am glad that my family, friends, and my wonderful husband are proud of me, but that doesn't inspire me to work harder. What inspires me is success and knowing that I am making positive strides towards good health. I want them to be happy for me, but it isn't necessary.

So why are some random women discussing my weight loss and what? Starting a weight gain pool? What makes them so bitter and small minded that they'd actually discuss how long it's going to take me to gain it back? Why would they believe that? Why would it even be a topic of conversation? How does one stand around and just say "Yeah, but she'll gain it back."

They do not even KNOW me! ARGH!

Actually I see this a lot on some of the boards I frequent. Many well meaning people will say "But she lost too fast and that means that she'll just put it back on."

That's not true. I do believe that's probably where it came from. When people are unable to lose as fast they hope, or as fast as someone else, they want to look for a reason. It's hard to look into yourself and say "Are there mistakes I'm making?" so they look at someone else.

Well, she must be eating too low.

She must have a fast metabolism.

She'll just gain it all back

That's ever so much easier than saying, "Okay, what might I be doing to slow this down?" or even "Okay, I lose slow, but what counts is that I'm losing. This isn't a race."

People are different. I have a friend who does everything right, loses like 2 pounds a month. I know others who go off program with regularity, yet also lose with regularity. You just cannot compare yourself to someone else.

Well that's it for tonight. I'm going to just let it go and remember how it feels to be raked over the coals and make a point NOT to do that to someone else.

Have a great weekend!

Reality Show Whore

Okay, I admit it. My name is Tory K and I am a reality show whore.

I mean I like to think of myself as an intelligent person.

That's what I like to think anyhow.

My IQ is pretty high.

I got good grades in school.

I've got an advanced degree.

Yet just a murmer of the words "the new Survivor starts soon" and my little heart starts to pitter pat.

Oh I wasn't an immediate convert. I watched one episode of "The Real World" when it first started and thought "Good Lord? Who can watch this band of spoiled brats? And what the hell is real about living in an upscale house in the middle of the city where everything is just too hip?"

Please...Real World my ass.

When Survivor started I was determined I wasn't going to watch it. Who needed that? Not me! I was too smart for that!

Then I was at my sister's house and it was on and...

Oh My God

I was sunk. That was it.

Oh, I was okay at first. Just an episode of Survivor here and there. I could handle it. I wasn't hooked or anything. I could take it or leave it.

Then "Big Brother" started and well, I had to watch that. It took place directly behind my parent's condo in Studio City. I mean that was really for family. Right?

Before you know it I was watching reality shows two, three times a week.

I would turn on the TV and catch a glimpse of "America's Scariest Police Chases" and come to an hour later covered in fat free Orville Redebacher popcorn and clutching the remote.

Soon it was Ozzie, and then repeats of Ozzie in the same week. When I intentionally tuned in to watch Anna Nicole Smith stumble across the screen and could actually speak with confidence about who Bobby Trendy was and what "mama" got her assistant for her birthday. (Does it count that off the top of my head I can't remember said assistant's name?)

I avoided the hard stuff. I turned my nose up at "American Idol" all season last year. Then the last episode came on and I thought I could handle it. It was just one episode. Next thing I know I'm at the American Idol concert in Seattle screaming "JUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was not a pretty sight.

The new American Idol begins on Tuesday and I've already decided that NO ONE is allowed to visit me in the hospital during the show. Only my honey and I and lord help the nurse who interrupts me for a sponge bath!

The Hidden Benefits of Weight Loss

We all know about the benefits of weight loss...looking better, lower chance of certain lifestyle related illnesses, more stamina, etc. I thought I'd write about some of the hidden benefits; those little things that have surprised me.

I was thinking about this tonight as I soaked in a tub. I ran a tub nice and full, poured in some mineral salts, and eased in. I submerged everything but the top of my face and just soaked in the warmth. Ahhhhhhhh....this, my friend, is living.

While I was soaking away my cares and woes I thought about how, when I was 222, I wasn't able to soak in the tub. I'd have to fill it 1/3 of the way full and my belly never was all the way under water. Now I can get all the way under the water, can sit sideways in the tub, and once again like when we were first married, I can take a bath with my husband. That got me thinking about other sort of "hidden" benefits of weight loss.

Just an aside here. I'm watching The People's Choice Awards right now. Tony Danza? That's who they got to host? Tony Danza? I mean okay, I liked him in Taxi, but he's not really what you'd call a hot big superstar. Was there no one else available? What? The trained monkey is on strike? Did somebody lose a bet?

My apologies to any Tony Danza fans.

But I digress.

So here are some of my favorite hidden benefits of weight loss that I would never have even considered (most of them).

• The bathtub thing-I can soak to my heart's content and submerge ALL of me under water.
• Sitting cross legged in a movie theater seat.
• Being able to cross my legs with ease.
• Walking down the street and not being noticed. I mean I used to feel like people were looking at me, shaking their heads and thinking, "It's a diet honey, look into it." Now I like the thought that I look like everyone else.
• Walking down the street and being noticed. Okay have to admit. That can be fun. I don't mean being ogled, but being smiled at and nodded to. I have noticed that people are nicer to skinny people than fat people. That's not really fair and part of me hates it, but it's nice not feel like I'm being discriminated against because of my weight.
• Being able to push myself physically and knowing my body will take it.
• Wearing necklaces-My sister gave me a beautiful necklace for a birthday awhile back and while I loved it, I never wore it because I hated that it drew attention to my many many chins. Now I feel like my neck is slender and beautiful.
• Clear skin! Who woulda thunk? I think the better eating habits and increased water intake have really benefited me here.
• Wearing trendy clothes and not looking like a complete loser.
• Being mistaken for a teenager. This literally happens ALL the time, even by other teenagers. Hee hee. One of my kids told me that I looked 20 years younger...so sweet! That makes me 17! I'll take that.
• Finding my bones! Okay I knew in theory there was a skeleton under my body, but honestly I never really "felt" most of my bones. Now I lie in bed, roll over, flop a hand over my leg and think "Wow! There's a HIP BONE there!
• Feeling like I belong at the gym. No one looks at me and thinks, "What are YOU doing here, Chunkaminit!?" Okay, maybe they weren't doing that before either, but I was always kinda paranoid.
• Tucking things in!
• Flexibility that, in another life, could get me into a porno!
• While on the subject...better sex.

It's kinda fun discovering things that are cool about being thin nearly every single day.

I mentioned my kids earlier in the entry. It's so funny. NO ONE mentioned that I'd lost weight when I came back. Oh all the teachers did. They went wild over it. But my students said nothing. Not a thing. If I mentioned something someone might mumble something like "Yeah, I noticed."

Right before Christmas one of my former students came to see me and was stunned. At that point a few others said something. One said, "Yeah Mrs. K, me and Eric [sic] noticed that you really lost a lot of weight, but we didn't know what to say."

Well with the "new hair" all of a sudden it all came out. They suddenly are saying all sorts of things, and of course all very nice. They want to know how I did it, why I did it, how long it took. (Remember, I have almost all boys...only four girls in my classes.) One wanted to know if the rumor that I lost all the weight doing DDR was true. (Where DID they come up with that one?)

It was nice to have them finally say something. I'm honest when I say that the opinion of my kids means a lot more to me than the opinion of my colleagues. While I value most of my colleagues and really like them, I do this whole teaching thing for my kids and my kids alone. So it was nice finally have them say something.

So that's it for the evening. Have a wonderful week!

Phases of Maintenance

I'm on maintenance right now and was just reading a thread about the phases of maintenance. It's interesting because, even though I've only been on maintenance four weeks, I find I've already been through a few phases.

Oh my gosh, so much food phase
I'm in this phase today. I've added four points and have always gone into my bank on the weekends. I'm still eating small lunches, small dinners, light snacks and then I'm finding I'm having 8 points after dinner for what? Oh what a sad sad problem to have. But then I stress that I'm eating too many snacks. So I try to up my points at lunch and dinner. Problem is, I'm spoiled. Roy cooks for me and makes my lunch and lately he's been making super low point meals. Right now I have ten points left that I can eat and it's midnight.

I'm getting fat again, I just know it phase
i had some pizza last night at the LAN party. Cheese makes me bloat. My jeans were feeling a little tight and suddenly my brain is going,

Whoop!! Whoop!! Whoop!!

Red Alert! Red Alert!

Stand back boys and girls...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

All of a sudden I felt like I'd gained my 96 pounds back in one large dinner. Silly girl.

I'm hot now so I should dress like a hoochie mama
I'm a size 4 now and all of a sudden just about everything I put on that isn't skin tight looks good on me. So the necklines are coming down, the skirt hems are going up, the jeans are tight and the shirts are tucked in and I hate to say this but, I love it!!

Good lord! I'm a teacher! (I do not dress this way at work.) I'm supposed to be a role model. I'm not supposed to look like I stepped out of an HBO America Undercover documentary on streetwalkers. (I do have a pic of Roy and I in Disneyland in tight shirt, short skirt, and you know what...I do kinda look hot.)

How low can she go? How low can she go?
Oh let me tell you, it is so tempting to keep losing. I've lost another pound each week and it's like "SWEET! Let's keep going!"

Do you hear 100 pounds?

105?

110 pounds lost?

Come on! There's no reason I can't look like Britney Spears! Let's go for it!

You mean I really have to keep working out every day??
I do like working out most days, but there have been a few lately where I've kind of had to force myself up onto that elliptical. Then Friday had the LAN party, chaperoned a dance, and couldn't get in my second work out. First I was like, "Oh well, it doesn't hurt to give your muscles a break. I've worked out every other day this week."

Then all of a sudden the guilt set in...

what if this is the start of something bad?

What if I never go to the gym again?

OH MY GOD I CAN FEEL MY MUSCLES ATROPHYING!

I'm expecting there will be more stages. I'm hoping to avoid the Leo DeCaprio "I'm king of the world" stage where I think I can eat everything in sight. I'm looking forward to the time when it's all just second nature and I never feel hungry, and I know the points for every food under the sun.