Fashion Laws For Family Theme Parks

Having just spent two weeks in the Happiest Place on Earth and having spent a great deal of those two weeks "people watching" I just want to say the fashion crime victim is alive and well and vacationing in Disneyland.

So I have decided to take it upon myself to put a few initiatives on next November's ballot. I'll be passing around the prop forms early next week.

Problem: Women and girls who have flabby tummies wearing low riders and belly shirts, leaving their little flabby tummy (and sometimes BIG flabby tummy) hanging out for the world to see. Some aren't even that overweight, but jeans that are so tight that they cause all your excess skin to spill over like a throughway are NOT attractive at all!

Legal Solution: If you have anything but washboard abs, you are not allowed to show your tummy in public at any time unless your clothes are on fire.

Problem: Men who sag and bag and go commando at the same time. Experienced on a city bus in Anaheim. It was not a pretty site.

Legal Solution: If someone has misinformed you and told you that sagging and bagging is somehow cool, you are required at all times to wear some form of undergarments. Nobody wants to see your white, flabby, hairy ass...especially before 9 a.m.

Problem: Hot or Not?

Legal Solution: If you are not hot, you are not allowed to wear a shirt that proclaims you to be a "hottie" nor any other term synonomous with the word hottie. Frankly, it's embarassing.

Problem: Little Miss Madam

Legal Solution: If your little girl is under the age of 17 and is wearing a shirt with a suggestive sexual phrase on it, you should be shot and your child given to parents who actually care enough not to make her look like a little tramp whore at the age of 10.

Problem: Socks with Sandals...nuff said

Legal Solution: No no...nuff said

Problem: I get hot just LOOKING at you...and no, not in that way.

Legal Solution: People...this is SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA! It is HOT here. It is like Africa HOT here. You are not allowed to dress in black slacks, a black turtleneck, and a black sweater because you make ME feel hot and I don't like that one bit. If you do choose to dress that way, you are NOT allowed to stand in crowds and proclaim "I'm hot!" and fan yourself frantically over and over again. No shit, you're hot, Sherlock! It's 193 degrees!

Problem: Mr. Johnson to the Tacky Room! Mr. Johnson to the Tacky Room!

Legal Solution: I am SO sorry that someone spread the unsubstantiated rumor that Big Johnson t-shirts are, or ever were funny, but they were wrong. My law: No one is allowed to wear them, especially if said person of poor taste is walking with said person's with poor taste's family. Just say no to Big Johnson t-shirts.

Problem: Is That a Thong You're Thinging?

Legal Solutions: Waist high thongs are not, at any time, to be worn with low rider shorts or jeans. Frankly, no one needs to see your personal butt floss waving at them while happy little Disney characters dance around in a parade in front of you.

Problem: Oy My Aching Feet!

Legal Solution: People...it is Disneyland. This is not only the happiest place on earth, but it is the place of neverending lines and lots of walking. Leave the tranny-friendly 6 inch stilettos at home. No one is admiring your lovely gams if your feet are bleeding from a pandemic of weeping blisters. Sensible shoes only.

I will step off of my legal soapbox now. I need to go put on my nipple clips and leather chaps for my next trip to the Magic Kingdom.